This is the eighth town I've lived in, and we're blessed to be here. We have nice neighbors, there are lots of great trees and the weather is good. Still, it's the most amusing place I've lived, so my Seven Wonders list is going to be tongue-in-cheek.
Wonder #1: Our Street
I like our street. It's long and straight and there are horses in the pasture across it. But because it's long and straight... One recent spring, someone wrote to the local paper and announced, "The 92nd Avenue Raceway is Now Open!" They invited all the little punks whose Euro-cars have ground effects, spoilers and coffee-can mufflers to please bomb down 92nd Avenue at 98 miles per hour.
I was tempted (but resisted) to submit a letter the following week, adding, "We will install trash bins at the starting line, so that you can throw your Red Bull, Monster and malt liquor cans and fast-food cartons in there, since these seem to be the performance-enhancing substances associated with your sport."
Wonder #2: South Parkway
South Parkway in town is the opposite of our street. Take all the ripped-up, bumpy, seamed streets in Spokane and combine them in a bizarre patchwork and you have South Parkway.
Again, someone wrote to the paper. "Keep South Parkway crappy!" he said. It keeps all the local tire shops and chiropractors in business, and it slows criminals' cars so much that the police catch them, no problem. Really and truly, if you look at the local police blotter, many controlled substance and driving-while-suspended arrests occur on South Parkway.
Wonder #3: Hotel California
Hotel California is our new library. It's very nice, but the parking lot is so poorly designed and mazelike that finding one's way to a spot and out again is a nightmare. This is why I call the library Hotel California: You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
Wonder #4: Mullet Removal
This is on the local barber shop window. The Spouse and I were in high school in the eighties. Everybody had mullets. As the Spouse says, "Business in the front, party in the back."
Wonder #5: The Sign
We moved here from the Seattle area. When you move almost anywhere (L.A. excepted) from Seattle, you'll notice a difference in the way people look because in Seattle people are hyper and skinny. But right as we moved, the big reality-show/extreme fitness trend began, so gyms began opening all over the place, and I started seeing people running down the sidewalks dragging car tires by chains, and doing burpees at street corners.
Then the local greasy spoon went belly-up, so you can no longer go downtown and order Slop (I kid not), a pizza pan full of eggs, meat and potatoes covered in gravy. They still haven't removed their sign, though.
It's right on Main Street, jutting above the town like an accusation.
It doesn't help that within a square mile, you can still find almost every fast food restaurant there is. I'm surprised that one of these semi-rural-type women, in the middle of a bad day with stomach full of Big Mac & fries, hasn't grabbed her ought-six from the backseat and shot that sign.
Also right on Main Street, not far from the accusatory sign and the fast food places. It's in the Rectory, which is where a rector used to live, who, I assume, worked in the church next door, which is now...
Wonder #7: Another Place that Serves Stumptown coffee
So if the hydrotherapy doesn't work, just go next door and have a cup of Stumptown.
*****
Someday I'll do a real seven-wonders list, and photograph the baby birds, little lambs, Hereford bulls, bald eagles, coyotes, pheasants and flowers around here. This non-serious one will have to do for now.
